


Parental Envy

by BloodyMary



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Force Ghosts, Gen, Humor, Rey Palpatine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2018-08-15 18:30:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8068183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyMary/pseuds/BloodyMary
Summary: Rey had just discovered her parentage. Which, predictably, sucks. But if years on Jakku had taught her anything, then it's how to make best out of the worst junk haul.





	1. Parental Envy

She probably ought to have felt something more than exasperation after hearing the news Kylo Ren brought to her, but there it was. Apparently, Rey’s father had been the evil Emperor, who nearly had killed Luke Skywalker and looked like a shriveled ballsack.

 

No, Rey certainly was not impressed with her parentage, given that everything pointed to her mother having been some sort of an acolyte of the Emperor of Evil. Taste in men, the woman had none.

 

Perhaps the discovery would have been more bearable if she had made it under different circumstances—like with Finn at her side. Then she’d get a hug, at least. Or Chewie, or Luke, or anyone who was not Kylo Ren.

 

He had two ghosts behind him, looking equally exasperated.

 

“Why?” Kylo yelled, radiating the darkest despair. “Why do you have the darkest of all the parentages and I am stuck with _them_?!”

 

_“I wonder who he gets this from_ ,” the ghost with the beard said dryly. He had a nice voice and kind eyes.

 

The other ghost tried to look smaller, which was something of a futile effort, given that he was about the same size as Kylo.

 

“We could trade,” Rey said tiredly.

 

The beardless ghost looked up and started nodding frantically.

 

“But… Then I wouldn’t be Darth Vader’s grandson,” Kylo replied, sounding genuinely torn.

 

Rey resisted the urge to slide her hand over her face and merely pulled up a crate with the Force. It connected with Kylo’s head with a solid clunk and he toppled over unconscious. She stepped over him and looked at the small holo-recording of a red-haired woman only slightly older than herself.

 

Then, she looked up at the ghosts, and turned to the one with the beard. “Actually, would you mind adopting me?”

 

It clearly caught him off guard because he simply gaped, while the beardless ghost appeared torn between disappointment and glee.

 

_‘We’ve just met,”_ the ghost said, sounding perplexed.

 

Rey shrugged. “Apparently, most parents don’t know their children when they get them.”

 

_“She has you there, Master,”_ the other ghost snickered.

 

The first one gave his companion a look and then reached some sort of a decision. _“Of course. She takes after her father. I’m Obi-Wan Kenobi, by the way. Pleased to meet you.”_


	2. Ancestral Envy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In his quest to learn more of Rey, Kylo Ren discovered the mystery of Finn's ancestry. It's a bit more than he expected.

Kylo Ren had to know more about Rey—she was clearly the key to learning more of the Dark Side, given who her father was. And it seemed that she insisted on fraternizing with the traitorous defector FN-2187, which might have meant she simply had bad taste… or that he was more than just a defector.

He could not discount the second option out of hand, and so Kylo started pulling up file after file on the trooper. After a while, he stumbled on a very intriguing match—apparently, his genetic data pinged with one of the databases left by Emperor Palpatine.

Kylo pulled up the file and read…

 

 

 

Being a Stormtooper had prepared Finn for many things. Back when Captain Cardinal was still in charge of his training, there were drills in case there was a fire on the space ship he was stationed on. There were drills in case a visiting officer started choking on his food unexpectedly. Once he’d found out that Captain Cardinal had actually defected to the Resistance, Finn’d even asked him if he had ever planned to make a drill in case of drills.

Now he’d have to tell him that if he was ever making a list of drills, he needed to add “a violent psychopath just told me I’m descended from three out of four mythical Jedi founders and the famous Sith demon Darth Revan.” Which was exactly the situation Finn had found himself in, having somehow ran into Kylo Ren while on a mission for the Resistance with Rey.

“Well, um…” he said, while Kylo Ren sobbed very dramatically at his feet.

“How?” Kylo Ren moaned tragically. “One of them wasn’t even human.”

“Two,” Finn corrected him. “Darth Revan was a Sith demon and possessed a Jedi.”

“Actually, that’s not how it works,” Rey whispered. “There are no Force demons, just Force ghosts. My dad told me.”

Kylo Ren rolled over dramatically and covered his face with his arm, tossing the other to the side.

“Well, anyway,” Finn said. “It’s ancient past. I’m sure a lot of people are descended from them by now.”

Kylo Ren groaned. It was a very pain-filled groan that spoke of capitalized True Suffering. “Well, actually, you’re the only person in the whole galaxy descended from all of them.”

“That he knows of,” Rey mouthed. “I bet he found out about you and ran out without waiting for the rest of the news.”

The Stormtrooper that had accompanied Kylo Ren looked at them then, and even though they had their helmet on, Finn could see the suffering in their eyes. Rey had said the truth. Finn was probably right and there were many people descended from the ancient famous people. Possibly even the other Stormtrooper too.

“You’d think that the Chosen One would have such a pedigree!” Kylo moaned. “And not a common Stormtrooper.”

The Stormtrooper started rapping their knuckle against their armour. Finn recognized the code. It was the sign for “Save me”. He looked at Rey. She nodded.

“Well, you know, there’s only one thing I can do now,” he said and turned to Rey. “Rey, will you marry me? I am asking you only to spite this guy over there and because I’m wildly into the fact that you’re descended from a dead fascist Emperor, and not because you’re the most awesome person I’ve met in my life.”

Rey grinned. “Yes, Finn! Let us get married and have a herd of tiny children who are all descendants! And I am also doing it only to spite that guy over there, and not because you are awesome!”

The clasped each other hands, while Kylo Ren banged his head against the floor. It only took him ten minutes to knock himself out.

“So… the let’s get married thing,” Finn said. “I actually did mean it. And that you’re awesome.”

“So did I,” Rey replied.

And then, like a mad revenant, Kylo Ren surged to his feet and grabbed their hands.

“ADOPT ME!” he roared.

Yes, Finn thought to himself, he really needed to talk about Captain Cardinal and his drill scenarios. He really needed one for that.


End file.
